A journey of self-focus
Over the last several years, I’ve realized that a huge focus in my life has been bringing my energy and focus back to me. I’ve spent large swaths of my life in other people’s energy, desires, and needs. This has looked like living a life for my parents instead of myself, ignoring my needs while focusing entirely on the needs of others, and spending time with people who used me for emotional support without ever asking about me.
I used to have this belief that “If I take care of other people, someone will take care of me.” I think this is such a sweet, pure belief to have. It was unfortunately disproven in several heartbreaking moments of my life, which I originally took to mean that it wasn’t true. But I realized over the years that the external world is simply a mirror for the inner world– the way you think about, talk to, and relate to yourself is how the world relates to you. This younger version of me barely took care of himself, so he taught others to not take care of him. So now as an adult, the belief I’m integrating is “when I take care of me, others take care of me as well.” You teach the world how to treat you. And that’s on healing, girlie.
Self-erasure used to be so normalized for me. It was a coping mechanism in response to feeling emotionally abandoned as a child– it was a technique that younger me came up with and used to get his needs met. “If others don’t ask about me and check in on me, I’ll make sure to check in on others so they’ll also do the same!” It was pretty traumatic when I realized I couldn’t remember the majority of my previous relationship because I was basically Not There. I was physically present, but I never voiced my needs, desires, concerns, or boundaries– I had emotionally abandoned myself in the exact ways I had been in my childhood. I effectively wasn’t even in my own relationship, and in abandoning myself, I taught others to abandon me as well.
Thankfully, I am so much more connected to myself now. I engage in regular practices that bring the energy back to me, I spend more time filling my own cup and making myself happy, and I make conscious space to be around people I feel deeply connected to and safe around.
Expanding the focus to my body
So with all this inner self-focus work, imagine my surprise when I was at the gym today and realized that for the very first time in my life, I was actually feeling my muscles work as I worked out. It was startling to realize I had actually been Not There in my body while working out for years.
My trainer (love him) immediately realized when he met me that though I’ve been working out for years now, I had very little mind-body connection as I lifted weights. I would go through the motions of doing a bicep curl, increasing my weight over time, but I’d never actually felt my bicep muscle expand and contract as I did the exercise.
I’d been struggling with using the correct muscles for different exercises because without any awareness of what muscles were activating as I did certain lifts, my disconnected body used any combinations of muscles that made it easier. Essentially, I learned incorrect (and potentially unsafe) forms in many exercises because I’d never felt the muscles that should be working. I realized that this is another layer of the work I’ve already been doing– as I’ve been learning to present with my needs, emotions, desires, and boundaries, I now want to learn to be present with my body.
A relief washed over me today, because now going to the gym has a stronger why for me. Sure, looking good and being able to stay healthy is nice, but being able to feel into my body and bring the energetic focus and restorative energy back to me physically is so motivating for me on this journey of self-focus.
Art I made this week
Y’all. I tufted a rug this week!! This is a creative skill I have wanted to learn for ages, and it was such a blast. Ok, maybe I was kinda over it at the end but that was mostly because it took 6 hours with no breaks. If I could’ve breaked for lunch, I may have enjoyed it more. Regardless, the process was beautiful and fun and I love the result.
Some takeaways/learnings:
Finding the intersections of different creative mediums is so fun for me. Each new skill enforces the next. Experience in design, illustration, painting, and drawing all helped making this rug come to life.
Dude this shit takes TOOLS. You need the tufting gun, all the yarn, and the canvas to do this. Not to mention the shaver at the end. I’d totally do another workshop, but not sure if I want to invest in all the tools to do it myself yet.
As a primarily digital artist at the moment, getting to hold something physical at the end feels so GOOD! I want to work with more tactile/physical mediums.
Take breaks when making art! In the same realm as self-focus, it’s important to check in with yourself to make sure you’re not abandoning your physical needs while in the flows of creativity.
Love this post, Abhas!! I can definitely relate to disconnecting from the body while exercising – in the past I've done exercise videos while listening to podcasts, or while I am mulling over some problem in my mind, and that's so darn distracting! Much more gratifying to look inward and become more grateful for our bodies, how hard they work for us.
Your rug design is gorgeous, well done! I did a batik workshop the other weekend (only the wax part, not the dyeing part) and had a similar thought about specialized tools. It's fun to try new things that are art-related :)