Confirmation bias
The world often tells us that we need to look outside of ourselves to prove what we believe is true. Even the scientific method requires evidence to draw conclusions, so we may believe that we are collecting data about our lives and forming beliefs based on what we experience. But the reality can be quite different– we may actually look for evidence for things that we already believe, and try everything in our power to continue to make it true. This is confirmation bias.
Say for example that you believe the statement “I’m not enough.” Then, everything in your life becomes a way to prove that statement. That person doesn’t like me, so I’m not enough. I don’t have enough money, so I’m not enough. I don’t have a partner, so I’m not enough. My body doesn’t look how I want it to, so I’m not enough. I’m sad, so I’m not enough.
But if you believed the statement “I am enough,” then that person not liking you, the money in your bank account, being single, your body, and your emotional state are all neutral. They don’t need to be proof of anything. In fact, you may instead be looking around your life for reasons that you are enough. I’m enough because I woke up today. I’m enough because I ate food. I’m enough because I took a shower. I’m enough because I made it through today.
Your beliefs create the world around you, not the other way around. Our minds are always trying to prove us right, so why not focus on the beliefs that we’re trying to prove right, and make sure those align with our values?
Teleology
I learned about the concept of teleology in The Courage to Be Disliked. The authors describe teleology as understanding that humans constantly create their psychological world with a specific purpose in mind. Here’s an example from the book:
“You think, I’ve got that boss, so I can’t work… But it’s really, I don’t want to work, so I’ll create an awful boss, or I don’t want to acknowledge my incapable self, so I’ll create an awful boss. That would be the teleological way of looking at it.”
So when we are creating an external focus that we can blame, complain about, or dislike, it can be good to check in with ourselves and ask– is this external focus the issue, or am I making it an issue in order to create a reality I want?
Did the cold weather really prevent you from going outside, or did you want an excuse to not go for a run today? Did that driver cut you off and ruin your day, or did you actually want to be in a bad mood for some reason? Does that friend group really suck, or do you not want to acknowledge that you are deserving better and more fulfilling relationships?
Not everything makes sense to look at in this way, but sometimes it’s good to turn our thinking upside down and ask ourselves if we are creating illusions and issues in our lives while ignoring our deeper desires. Looking at our motivations in this way can be jarring at first, but can be a good check-in for ourselves to make sure we’re living life intentionally.
Why is this important?
When we place the onus on the outside world to decide how we feel or what will make us happy, we give our power away. We ignore the beliefs, biases, motivations, and desires we already have, and pretend that actually, it’s the outside world that’s making us unhappy. When we turn inward and ask ourselves “what do I really believe?” and “what do I really want?” we are able to connect to ourselves and our truth. And when we can finally face the reality that we may be living in illusions of our own making that we no longer want to live in, we put ourselves in the driver’s seat to change it.
Hope this was of value to you, friend. Sending you love today 🌊