The illusion of goals leading to happiness
Why do we set goals? It’s not because of money, fame, or others’ reactions to us. The reason we set goals is that we want to feel good. We want to feel joyful, accepted, seen, heard, and loved. We genuinely believe that reaching a certain goal will make us feel these emotions– that once we get to that goal, achievement, or place in life, then we’ll finally be happy.
But here’s the problem– when we do reach the goal, we may feel happy for a moment, but it’s fleeting and the feeling eventually goes away. Because we’ve created a system in which we associate feeling happy with reaching a goal, we move the goalpost. We aim higher, set our sights on bigger and better things, and create more and more things to achieve so we can feel good again.
Capitalism tricks us into thinking that more is better. That when we make more money or own more things, we’ll be happy. If that’s true, then why are there so many rich people who are unhappy? Why are there billionaires who hoard their wealth in such lack that they won’t pay their workers a living wage? Why do “productive” and “goal-oriented” folks not live in a perpetual state of happiness?
The problem lies in depending on something external to make us feel better. When we only expect other people, circumstances, and achievements to bring us happiness, we give away our power to create our own happiness.
Cultivating our own happiness
I’ve been learning to look at the goals I’ve set and ask myself what I expect to feel when I reach them. I think about some of the smaller habits that I would create in my life to help me get to these goals, and then I try to see if I can infuse those daily habits with the feeling that I expect the goal will bring me.
For example, a goal of mine is to write a book. When I asked myself what I hope to feel when I’m a published author, I realized I wanted to feel seen, heard, open, safe, and like I belong. So instead of waiting for this magical future day to come when I’m published and finally get to feel these things, I’m focusing on the habit of sitting down to write. As I write, I allow myself to feel the feelings of openness, being seen and heard, and like I belong.
Not only has this made me look forward to writing, because the feelings I’m chasing by finishing are ones I get to feel in the moment, but it’s made the process feel all the more gratifying. My writing feels more honest and more me because I’m not depending on its success or reception to determine my feelings about it.
In this way, showing up to write is both the habit AND the reward through the feelings I’ve infused into it. And when I do finish, reaching the goal is a nice-to-have rather than the thing I’m depending on to make me happy.
Give it a try
Ask yourself:
What is a goal I’m working towards?
What feelings do I think reaching this goal will make me feel?
What is a daily/regular habit I can do that moves me closer to this goal?
How can I infuse this habit with the feeling I want to feel?
Hope this was of value to you, friend. Sending you love today 🌊