Hello hello! Long time no see, my loves. I felt called to write in this space again with some new intentions. First and foremost, I will write things for me to look back on and reflect on the ways in which I have grown. I will be guided by the questions: what would feel good? what would feel fun to me?
I also no longer need this space to be “helpful” or “of service” to other people. I’m sure it still will be, but focusing less on the reader’s experience of my writing helps me be myself rather than be who I think a reader wants me to be.
Bringing the focus back to me
Over the last many months and years, I’ve consistently found that my frustration, dissatisfaction, anger, and feelings of stuckness all originate from one thing: overly focusing on others. I think it’s rather noble to help other people, but not at the expense of yourself.
I used to think that it was egoic to focus solely on yourself. Little did I realize that veering too far the other way (i.e. “look how noble and selfless I am”) is equally egoic. I grew up at the intersection of collectivist and individualist cultures, where it’s easy to get swept up in toxic selflessness or toxic selfishness.
I now believe in the Buddhist concept of the middle way, where we surrender the attachment to either extreme in any scenario. So, I’m learning to connect to find balance in self-fullness– centering myself while in harmonious, peaceful coexistence with the world. This has been the nexus of my personal growth.
Checking in with my inner child
The questions that have led me back to myself time and time again are:
What am I feeling?
What do I need?
What would feel good?
I often imagine one of my nephews or my own younger self and sitting him down. Talking to a child automatically brings out compassion within me, and I find that when I approach myself with compassion in these questions, I genuinely open my heart.
At some points in the past, my inner child felt neglected and abandoned by my self-sacrificing behaviors in the pursuit of being loved. I slowly eroded his trust in me to take care of him. But through gentle, repeated, compassionate dialogues with myself, he’s learned that he can trust my inner parent to listen and love and put him first over everyone else.
Heejo’s Youtube channel
Heejo’s channel on YouTube has been one of my favorite corners of the internet for a few years now. Watching her write, go to bookstores, read, visit new places, make food, and generally romanticize and enjoy her daily life has made me feel so much love and compassion for my own life. She seems like someone I’d love to be friends with. Hope you enjoy her work as much as I do 💙